I quit my job, sold my car and bought a one-way ticket across the world

Ramblings on the decision to live my 1000th and 1st life

I tend to commit to things in full force (as we have talked about before). So when my friend suggested a month of travel in South East Asia, I said, “great idea, I’ll quit my job, buy a one-way flight and live out of a backpack for months!” And now I’m going alone.

It was mid-summer, on the dock of a crystal Michigan lake. I had been prescribed lexapro a month and a half earlier and I was telling my friends that I have never felt more like myself even though how can I know this was myself when I had never felt it before?

But life felt a little bit more sparkly, or at least acceptable after years of confusion and anxiety. I could breathe now. And I mean that in the most literal sense.

All it took was a mention of it when life was this good— during the bliss of the two days off work we had for the Fourth of July— because it could still be better. We could make this life better with a trip. How else would we survive the existential dread of our desk jobs if not for something to look forward to?

First it was a trip to Vietnam. Then a months long trip that required a sabbatical. Then it was this or that and life would be better, all it would take is a trip. THE trip. We would quit our jobs and leave to travel in the new year.

And I hung on to that as I went back to living alone in a town where I had no friends where I worked a job that required talking to no one. It was an idea I hung on to because there was nothing else to hang on to at the moment. The rope of my past lives had frayed and broken off long ago. I had been in between lives for a bit too long. In the end I was the only one to book the ticket.

The funny thing is that a year and a half ago I was crying everyday because I couldn’t find a job post-grad and I was living with my parents and I thought life would never be as good or adventurous as it had been those past couple years.

But the thing I keep going back to here is the question of what is my ‘why’ behind this all? It’s a question people ask and a question people expect a groundbreaking answer to.

I truly don’t know. The best thing I can come up with is that I was bored and needed a change; or that I was too comfortable. I love doing the dramatic, one more thing to inspire one more essay that will never see the light of day.

I finally caught up with a friend I haven’t talked to in months. She said she gets too comfortable in life then makes these crazy decisions with little thought, like dying her hair and getting a dog. “Oh girl, I feel that,” I said, except in this instance I decided to quit my job and blow up my whole life to travel the world. I could hear her jaw drop through the phone.

Here’s the ‘why’ I wrote down a few months ago:

I’m 24 . And I’m lost and confused and continuously having existential crises. Really, it’s been that way since I graduated college. I’ve tried everything to remedy it— multiple jobs, multiple towns, new friends— and by now I’ve learned that there is no such solution. I just have to live life and hopefully stumble upon a purpose. Maybe my purpose is stumbling but continuing to move forward. So I quit my job and I’m packing everything I can into a backpack to travel the world. It felt like the only answer, for now. I can’t stop thinking of the countdown clock in NYC and how a new war could break out any second or another virus could interrupt our lives. The glaciers are melting and the sea is rising and I want to see the world before it burns. I’m not trying to be cynical or morbid but I’m just trying to say that you never know how close you are to time running out. And because of that, this is what feels right right now, that’s what’s calling me. Call it delusion or insanity but that’s what I’m doing and I hope it all goes alright.

As I think about my why, I truly question my deeper intentions in all the decisions I’ve made the past few years of my nomadic-ish life.

I wonder if the life I am leading is my dream or the dreams of others that I have latched on to and disillusioned myself to be my own. This is one of those instances to me. Most moves I make are inspired by those around me in some way or another.

I feel like I’ve lived a thousand different lives and very few of them have been my own. But to me that feels like the best way of discovering yourself without continually questioning other possibilities. But again, the possibilities are endless so this could be a never ending loop. I could go on.

This is all to say that I did quit my job and pack all my belongings into boxes and sell my car and buy a one-way ticket to the other side of the world. I feel pretty neutral about it all, when people tell me I should be feeling big emotions. It's just another day in the life.

I feel like I know very little about everything right now, but here is what I do know: I’m excited to get there and learn more about yoga (I’m starting with a yoga teacher training); I’m nervous as hell and don’t know if I will ever stop questioning this decision and calling myself a literal insane person; it's something I’ve always wanted to do; it's going to be hard and it's going to be great and it will lead to something big or small but that something is sure to be unexpected.

I’ve learned these continual moves will not give me answers (tried that a few too many times), they will not give clarity; in fact things will be more confusing. I know the ability to do what I'm doing is an immense privilege and I’m ready to dive in head first. I’ve said it before, but maybe I actually will settle down after this era. Cheers to seeing what happens.

This one’s for Julia. Thank you for giving me the push ❤️